Memories

I wish I had those memories
Kisses and hugs..between you and me...
Holding your hand..
Enjoying every second of being your man
I would do anything just to her your voice...
Such a sweet voice..
Like how say your words....
After a long day..how they would caress and soothe my nerves..
We'd put action to our verbs
Intense lovemaking...
Bed shaking...
Back breaking...
For goodness saking
I'm not taking
You for granted...
I wouldnt take any chances
This love making goes in and out the bedroom
Please dont assume
Im talking simply physical...
I would be making loving to your mental
Embracing your spiritual
Nurturing this thing called love to that next level
See...
If I had those memories...
I guarantee you...they would be our future realities....

Manifesto

She left.........

Thought I had crumbled...and there was nothing left.....

Came to that fork in the road... Didn't know whether to go right or left.....

Felt like turning my back...on the very kids I loved to the ends of the earth...

I was a man that had given so much of myself.... I started to question my worth....

I allowed her unhappiness to define me....

Not realizing the discontent was a problem in she....

Financial struggle....

Dictated the flow...causing constant trouble....

Yet the kids were taken care of....

Shown the utmost example of love....

Daddy day care......

I dare ....

Toot my own horn......

But taking care of these kids made me....

Gave me.......

So much pride......

I was the Lion..... King of the jungle.....taking care of my pride....

Completed me....

See....

I taught myself to cook....

Like this poetry thing... I could pen my own cookbook.....

Filled with meals I prepared with love....
Blessed with talent from the Father above...

Did this because... If I couldn't provide all the duckets.....

Fuck it....

I might as well take care of home from the inside....

Wasn't appreciated.... So inside

It made me bitter.... I figure when your chick starts to lose respect...

In the man she is with.... What do you expect?

I was doing all I knew...

To keep us together... Shit I became the glue...

I was doing doctor visits....
Whatever it is...

To keep shit afloat.....

Oh well..... I wasn't enough....

I knew we had it rough....

But its done....

But now I'm finding out who I am.....

Damn.....

I'm a good man.....

Strong father.....man with morals.... Yes that's who the fuck I am!!!!!

I've laced these verses...

With not so subtle curse....

Yes I spit it with fire.......

To bash her...or degrade her...is not my desire...

Just that since she left...

I didn't think I had the strength..... Didn't think I had any fight left....

At my weakest I'm stronger than I thought....

All the inner demons I've fought...

I will them soon.....

Can't turn off being their father....

Knowing how it would bother

Me......

God forgive me....

Of the slightest thought of giving up....

All I can say now.... is Thank You....for the opportunity to man up.....

This is my Manifesto
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Pray for me.......Please

I cry incessantly
Inner turmoil just messing with me....
A shell of my former self....
My laugh muffled by my cries for help....
So called friends gone...family...there's nothing left...
No more friendships....
Kinships....
Separate from one... And things just end quick.....
Chest beating extra hard.......inhale.......
Tears streaming...............exhale............
I'm losing it......just like I lost my job....
I'm like why God?
I've lost my will my focus...
And everyone around me is starting to notice.....
Barely eat.....
I have no appetite....
Hardly any sleep at night.....
My sugar so outta whack....
In fact....
Been having those chest pains lately....
Hope its not my heart.....
Feel like I'm falling apart....
Being that no one comes around to see me....I keep them at bay....
Tell everyone I'm ok
Just so I don't have to hear them
say
That one day....
One day....
Someday......
I want to yell.....what about today!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never wanted things to be this way.....
I was consistently
Weaving my way thru life's inconsistencies....
Knowing that my love..dedication and hard work would pay off eventually....
I'm left alone......my spirit.....on empty......
.Spiraling out of control....I wish the devil would come get me..
Never been one to indulge... In drugs and alcohol....
But damn it seems so tempting......
Wanna drink till numb.....
Pop pills...snort coke...whatever till I'm dumb
High...
Figure this will be the only way I can
Get by....
This disconnect in my pain....
Ease the pain....
Until then......why don't somebody pray for me?
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Switching Gears

Out of sight....
Out of mind.....
Out of time.....
Life spinning counterclockwise.....
Listening to words from the wise.....
A reality I soon despise...
Give it time......
Tick....tock......
Seconds ticking off that clock.
Driving down that highway.....
As if I'm switching gears..
Between...remorse....pain....bitterness....and my deepest fears....
Now I'm made to look like a fricking deadbeat.....
Crushes my soul like a brutal defeat...
Can't even hold my head high.....
Pain so grave....sometimes I wish I'd die.....
Kick those foolish thoughts to the side...
Swallow that ugly pride.........
Find myself coasting on memory lane....
Way before the pain......
Better ways...
Better days....
Loved you so deeply.....
Ain't gonna lie.......still do...deeply
Steady weeping.....
Wake up in tears while sleeping...
Can't comprehend it.....
This is how you want to end it?
Screw me and what I'm feeling...
They say time leads to healing
Of all wounds.......so I lift my eyes to the ceiling....
I pray....I pray....oh how I pray...........
Each and every day....
That He put my mind at ease....
That these
Crazy thoughts
How I've fought
So long...so hard...secrets I've kept for so long....
Grudges against those I felt did me wrong....
A lot won't overstand what I'm saying...
With matters of the heart...trust me I'm not playing...
I gotta cleanse my soul.....#imjustsaying

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Open

Tears and pain...
Seems its all the same...
I'm not writing sweet instances of something beautiful.....
I'm writing deep twisted truths...
So sick of folks reading these lines..
And time after time
They just like it
Just look at the imagery...
And not my hearts symmetry
What's happening right now in my life is fucking killing me...
I'm trying to maintain....
Looking to God and his guidance to ease the pain
Walking from the train...
The sky opens up and it starts to rain.....
Tears just flow......all I can do to keep sane....
Soaking wet from my head to my socks...
Pain is transforming....I'm past the shock....
Scared I'll return to my ill tempered mannerisms....
Having these headaches with horrible visions...
But damn I can only put so much on myself
Wasn't alone in this....I had help..
But here I am sitting on the outskirts of reality...
Fleeting so quickly is my sanity...
Not claiming innocence by any means...
But everything is not as it seems.....
So one sided in this....
Got my dudes telling me....forget that chick....
Females telling me....that's a bogus chick....
I fell in love with this lady...
Maybe
It wasn't meant to be....
A future with her wasn't for me to see...
Maybe the tug of war
On her heart was more
Than she was willing....
To deal....
How can I convey what I feel?
I was on the railroad tracks....
And right before the train came I stepped back
On the platform....
I jumped out of a moving car at rush hour...
Somebody told me I shouldn't relinquish my power...
Cause if she sees your weakness..best believe she will devour
You whole...
Every ounce of your soul...
Shit I'm stuck between being a tough ass...
And inside wishing my relationship was able to last..
I'm just hoping.......
So damn open....
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Fear/Pain

Put it all on my shoulders....deemed it my fault
Man in the mirror
Full on facing my fear or
It takes 2 to tango
2 to dismantle
What we had
Shit its sad
Its no mystery
6 years of history
Spun down the drain
Causing so much pain
Look at our life now....
Can't even imagine how
It got this way...
Its fucked up...
My life is being held up...like a robbery....stuck up.....
Love flow....straight constipated
To a point in which I hate it...
Ill advised actions
Led to your reactions....
I admit
I was so far outta pocket....
I swear I didn't mean it.....
Fed up with me..
Eyes closed...so you don't see...
Its still me...
In my heart your always my baby....
My wonder woman....
I wonder woman....
Is this the end?
Is there anything left to mend?
All the coulda
Woulda
Shoulda
Impulses.....
Headaches....fast pulses.
Everyone saying you should just give her time..
I see it as out of sight out of mind....
But damn....if I push...she'll just pull away...
That's what the songs say....
My heart is aching...
Hope our love ain't breaking...
I can't make you love me...
Won't force you to .forgive me
Tryna play it cool and just let it be.....
A future without you.....I'm too scared to see...
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Another Chance

There'd be the quick little footsteps...
Jumping in the bed....
Feet in my face instead....
My mini me shaking his dreads....
Upon eye contact the other most beautiful lil girl in the world...says good morning daddy....
Gladly I'd make my famous pancakes...
A box of Jiffy is all it takes
To have them jumping to the ceiling..
Man what a wonderful feeling....
I'm looking at the most gorgeous woman in the world...
In my head I'm thinking...Damn that's my girl....
Secretly I've always loved her voice...
Smooth and sweet...tickles me in a place so sweet...
Got a spark every time our lips would meet...
There's something so special...so different this family's vibe....
At any time....
Someone would say something that would evoke laughter...
Fast forward to now...I've caused my world to shatter...
I used to see them everyday...
In every way
What I wouldn't give just to hear them say...
Hi Daddy...
Or hear Nene ask Daddy how was your day?
Tre asking the same question over and over again...
And when I'd say no....he'd ask again....
Making those baked lemon pepper bbq wings...
Dinner for the family...those little things..
I used to take for granted....
Dammit!
This can't be right...
Not my life...
I did this to myself...
I'm praying to the Lord for help.....
I used to pride myself.....
In being a family man...
Had the family.... But I wasn't the best man...
That I know I can....
Be...
That's it honestly...
I am asking God for a second chance...
I'd do anything for my family.....
I just want them back....
That's a fact!
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