Demonic

I'm out of my mind right now...
Purged demonic thoughts of self
Shed fears...tears...
Till there's nothing left...
I admit I needed help....
Was in so much denial...
Just look how I handled every tribulation and trial...
Internalized everything...
To the point of health problems...
Over the counter pills couldn't solve them..
Talking bout the constant migraines...
Back pains...
More aches...
And aches...
For my kids sake....
A cycle I must break...
Doc said repeatedly
He could guide..but only I could truly help me..
See
Believe
In me....
These not just rhymes...
More than just lines
Its like a peek in my troubles mind
I'm no lyrical genius
Not trying to spin this
I'm just telling my tale..
So these thoughts in the next won't prevail...
One Love

My 12 play

1....
Just u and I one on one...
2..... Introduce u to a few things that lovers do...
3.....u have always been my fantasy..
4....gonna be surprised with what I have in store.....
5.... Wanna put soft kisses down ur thighs....
6. After a few kisses..imma find out just how many licks.....
7. put in overtime gonna work u from 7 to 7
8....I know u can hardly wait...
9......caress every inch and take my time
10.....girl u so sweet its a sin
11....we gonna be grinding to this beat.....
Then on 12 we will hit repeat...
Just put on display
A little bit of that foreplay
Some 12 play
That will make ur body say..
I like it that and this way..
Don't even need that lingerie
Cuz that lil teddy
Couldn't make me more ready
Than I already am..
I mean damn...
Don't worry bout them perfect imperfections..
Ill kiss ur body in each and every direction....
Got my blood flowing..ur sexy has caused this erection ..
Covering ur stomach and various body parts....
Lemme kiss those beautiful stretch marks...
Call me silly but I only see a gorgeous work of art...
Boom Boom goes the tune in our heart...
U acting so shy and sweet...
But u know we bout to be a beast in these sheets...
Sttaight animal magnetism...
Multiple orgasm
Like the song goes...
Whether its morning noon or night..
I can make u feel alright...
Believe that....I will always have an appetite
That fire that u ignite....
One Love

Beaten

The way he dressed
Seemingly to impress
Used his deep baritone with such finesse
Everything bout him screamed success...
He had a job..money...own place...HELL YES!!
In her he showed genuine interest....
Made her melt with kind gestures..
Things she never received from other guys..only seem to reassure
She made the right decision to accept his advances
And give him the chance
To show her love truly exists...
After months of bliss...
Seems like reality set in
She was merely questioning
About his past....
Not trying to be intrusive at all...
Somehow...he took it that way...slams his fist against the wall..
Seen her girls go thru this...
She not wanting any part of this....
Her intent was not to make him mad...
She felt the need to pack her bags
He comes to her looking hurt and sad..
Offers some sad apology bout how his job is stressing
And messing
With his thoughts..
And how all day he fought
And apologizes if she thought
He would cause her harm....
And says how he wishes to hold her in his arms......
Uses those irresistible charms...
Before long...their lips and skin touch..
Real passionate and stuff
With each stroke
She seemed to forget whatever it was that would evoke
That earlier circumstance....
And thought he does work hard...and chucked it up to circumstance....
But it wouldn't be too long before his rage and her fear would be doing that awkward dance...
On a night out
He thought she was paying a little too much attention.. to what the waiter was talking bout....
Bitch! I aint ever been so disrespected....
Held it in..but I should have checked it...
She exclaimed....who are u talking to?
At that his fists flew....
He yelled...see what u made me do?
Nigga fuck you!!
Pushed her against the wall.....
Started to confess to her..
His true feelings for she...
Bitch you aint shit without me!
You're fucking beneath me....
Don't quite remember how the night ended...
But awoke to see her wounds haphazardly mended....
In he came...kissed her forehead
Breakfast in bed...
And went on about his day...
She didn't know what to think or to say...
All she knew was she couldn't continue to live this way...
Yet again...his words
Somehow eased her nerves....
Put in her mind that she wasn't submissive to her man..and got what she deserved...
Already fragile she questioned her self worth....
You not gonna find another nigga like me...
See...
Remember in the beginning...u wanted this this and this....
I got it so you don't have to work for shit...
Before me you were a basic bitch...
Dumbed down the rules for you...now you know the basics bitch
In which
She found it increasingly hard to function
Under the assumption
For her every action
There would be a painful counter-action
If she didn't meet his preset level of satisfaction...
State of fear
Whenever he was near....
Trembled with tears....
Who could she run too?
Didn't want to hear all those ' I told you so's'
Nor could she handle the mental blows...
Physical beatings heal...but those
Abusive words crushed her esteem..
Never did she dream
She would endure
Such physical and mental torture..
On this night...he was quick to provoke...
She tried to make a joke
Obviously he didn't find it funny....started to choke...
Her....
Clawing and scratching....gasping for air
He starts smacking her...grabbing her by her hair....
Pulls her on the bed...
Enters her forcefully....
Hand over her mouth
So she can't scream out....
Hours later he is sleep....
Very deep
She slowly creeps
In.....
Standing over him.......
Butcher knife in hand....
How she despises this man....
stabs him.....again...again....
For all the pain....the chagrin....
For the abuse
The blatant misuse
Played
Betrayed
In her rage
She kept stabbing...and stabbing...
Unconscious of what's happening
Unrelenting tears...
Seems she silenced her fears...
Now she lives out the rest of her years
Incarcerated....for killing a man she now hated....
Antonia McDowell...you endured such pain....
I just hope...some can get out...before their fate is.....
The Same.......
One Love

This is my Testification

Many of days
Many of ways
I've stayed
Aloof...
As if distance could make me bulletproof...
In truth...
I've come to realize
Past traumas have only seem to traumatize
Through my eyes
A ball of confusion...
A mere illusion.....

Shed so many tears...
Came to grip with many fears....
Feelings of rage I've had for many...many...years..

............................Guided by....
The feelings I...
Have or will fail.....
Gotta grab hold of self....because if these thoughts prevail


......Its like a rollercoaster of emotions
Coastin'
On empty....on fumes...
Consumed....
.....With these thoughts of doom....

Shake it loose....in my head there can't be room....
Can't have another reckless thought...

You know how hard I've fought...
It would all be in vain...
If I succumb to this mental anguish and pain.....

Back at it again...
No matter how complex or mundane....
I'm back at it again.....

...If one thing I learned from life's lesson
....She will do you dirty....that vile bitch Depression.......

One Love

Idiosyncrasy

U came in during the storm
War beaten and torn
Inside turned cold...
Black soul...
So alone in my thoughts....like imma die before I'm old...
For many hours I cried....
Pushed pride
Aside
Lose control...for the tears won't subside
Time bomb tick ticking
Its so sickening..
Wish I could be like other men..
Hold all this shit in...
Deep breath...
Tight chest
Even though some would suggest
Not a good way to deal...
But this is my situation....only describing how I feel...
This is real...
So far from poetry....
No one would even notice me...
If it weren't for these lines
Flowing in and out my mind.....
Its like my gift....damn right I wanna curse...
At any moment I will burst.....
Then try to put actions in reverse....
Then I'm apologizing.....
Sadly agonizing
Esteem....lack of self.....
Anybody hear my pleas for help
Lost is that pep
In my step..
Now I'm dealing with lifes heavy burden
No longer yearning
For the pursuit of happiness
I'm sitting on the edge of sanity
No need for pity
In the beauty of chaos
Seems to envelop me
I've developed see
A certain way to keep people at a distance
For instance
How many can say they know who I be...
Know me exclusively
Imma recluse see...
I think I like it this way...
Don't have to worry what others have to say

One Love

Reflection

As a young'n I carried a lot of anger inside
Ugh my vibe
Was deplorable
Such a horrible
Way to be..
See...
Had a shitty
What about me disposition
Always wishing
That something was a lil different
Had a bitter resentment...
Could taste it....
Yuck....spat in the face of mofos tryna talk shit...
I would just lash out
Act out
Spaz out...
No one wanted be bothered...
See I had fathered
This rage that gave birth
To feeling the loneliest on Earth...
Fucked up attitude...
Never understood where it was coming from......uncertain latitude
Crossed up longitude..
6ft deep is where you'll end up if you don't change your mood I was warned..
Honestly my heart was torn..
Me and moms kinda iffy
I'd kick my pops down a flight of stairs in a jiffy...
Baffled why no one wanted to kick it with me...
Blind thinking everyone was picking on...me!
Unconsciously I had no love for self....
Crying out for help...
So worn out...don't think there's anything left....
Someone told me....
Need to learn how to forgive
Angry is not the way to live
Told me "you have to learn to get out of your own way"
At the time I was thinking that was some lame shit to say...
Now I realize
It was not just a silly line....
The only person blocking my path from healthy relationships
Friendships
Kinships....
Was.......MYSELF
Looking in that mirror.....
Made me see things so much clearer..
One Love

Dear Mr. Publisher

Used to think I had some skill...
But people let me know the deal
Here I thought I wrote what they could feel
So unreal
Not a pity party
I hardly
Listen to what folks say
Tend to do things my way
Putting inner most thoughts on display
Almost like I seek
Critique
Far from sensitive
Guess I get what I give
Then I started to think I needed to dumb shit down..
Like I was on that Lupe' Fiasco sound!
Didn't feel right..
To me the rhymes were still tight..
But it wasn't me..
I wasn't provoking thought...
Wasn't natural...felt store bought..
Emotional writer..with tears I fought...
I'd sit back
And wait for those to react..
Oh how they act
Like my vernacular wasn't consciously
Fucking their subconscious see..
Like they couldn't touch the words like Braille...
If not...as a poet I fail....
If you're not mentally fornicating
As I detail spine tingling sensation
Making panties wet...
As I define my sex
Better yet
Talk bout real life shit..
As real as it gets...
Life...death...
Points in between...shit what's left????!!!!
Am I not relateable?
Through my lines not capable...
Perhaps...I'm irrelevant
I'm rhyming gibberish..my style incoherent?
Don't be kind..
Say what comes to mind!!!
So won't be no more wasting time!!



One Love