Suicide Romance

All the while I was loving you...

You were telling folks you were single and could do 

Exactly what you wanted to

All the time I was so into you..

You would tell others how much I annoyed you...

Always telling you how much I loved you..

And the thought of that just sickened you

Spent so much time trying to prove to you that I was not like that last nigga

I figure 

You knew that

In fact I felt that was what held us back

I wasn't him...you knew me....

You knew how he'd be...

You couldn't see me

Or even what WE COULD BE

Too busy looking in the rear view

Girl you know it's true

Your intentions were fraudulent like Mili vanili

Lol...but you ain't feeling me

My silly ass was content with just a piece of you...

Like a star struck fan....happy with just a glimpse of you..

Stupid is just how I feel...

Can't shake it off...like damn is this really real?

I'd question shit..

Never wanting to discuss it..

Shut me down...

Shut us down...

Spiraling down

Down 

Down 

And as dumb as I sound

I continued to stick around

Now I'm so numb...

Still so dumb 

Heart's broken

And I'm hoping

For yet another chance..

To experience this suicide romance...

Sobeit

A misconstrued notion
Filled by weakest of emotions
Find yourself played
Lost in many ways..
Breaking all your own rules
And the foolish things it made you do..
Cuz once the good morning texts...
Morning calls stop...Damn what's next
Passionless sex
Everything she does/he continues to do..
Bothers you...
Irks your nerves
Speaking using unkind words
Hostile verbs..
What was it to begin with?
Why did it have to end like this?
You laying in your bed.
Thoughts of them flowing thru your head
Wanna talk...but you bury your face in the pillow instead.
Don't believe in it...
Don't want it...
Admittedly.. there was a point and time.. I screamed it..
Dreamed it..
Would tell anyone who listened..
How I was lost in it....
Nose wide open..looking back I'm so disgusted..
This feeling... So useless
Fruitless
Truth is
This thing called love is....
Not for me..
I've failed miserably
Y'all can keep it...
Guess that means I'll forever be alone.....
Sobeit

Blaze

I speak the truth so much it hurts...

What's worse 

Is

Nobody believes in me...

Sure they connect a few lines...

Pat me on the back a few times...

But hell what do I expect?

I'm gonna write it and express it...but y'all can't see it through my eyes yet...

Enter my soul

Truth be told..

Catch me now...cuz when things unfold

I'm a hot blazing comet

Nonstop it

I got this 

Infinite gift...

Record it..

Recite it...

Erase it...rewrite it..

Man I'm so excited

History re-spit it..

In my mind picture how I'd live it..

Just as powerful as God's vision for Konscript 

Look at my seeds and tell them... Yeah we did it...

Gave me so much inspiration...love when my heart wasn't in it..

When my mind drifted

To abysmal depth...

Your expression of love did much more than just help..

You saved me...

That love y'all give continues to amaze me...

Doing it for y'all.. Us...

We...not just

Today...tomorrow...and many days from now....

Gonna show them how

The mended mind of a King will always reign...

And that's just the first part of the game...

My Muse

My muse...
No need to crush on a Wednesday
Because these feelings are a part of my everyday
I'd yell it...scream it...
Shout it out...
But y'all already know what I'm talking about...
Find myself listening to songs differently...
Past the metaphors and similes
Thinking hard about her and I...she...me..
We...
Exchange crazy looks.. burst out in laughter
After
Something so silly...
Kiss her lips..
Explore her every inch...my fingertips..
Trace her every curve...
I'm touching her mind...
Caressing her spine...
Loving each time...
And that time..
And yes also that time....
Better than the first time...
Electric..as I take it slow...rethinking that first line...
My muse...
So true...
I yearn for her words...
Her verbs...
When I venture to see her.. I'm still a big bundle of nerves..
My muse...
Which I hope to never lose...

Depression2

Used to always think that once I got this job...or I set a goal and achieved it I would gain some form of happiness. Or if I got the girl.... Or this happened or that happened... I would be happy.. that I would no longer feel this unending darkeness I've always seemed to be submerged in. I stay away from alcohol because I don't seem to know when to stop drinking. Don't really know who to talk to because either they have no idea what to say to me.... Or they just dont care. Learned today no matter what type of notoriety..fame..money...anything... Does not matter unless you feel it...Or can see it for themselves. I just can't see it

Depression

I would say I'm depressed..and people would just tell me to "pray about it". I would say how I feel and people would say I was either weak... Or in my feelings. Maybe I am weak...but suicide and depression.... Depression and suicide.. Have crossed my mind frequently. Depression has crippled me in so many ways. Made me a recluse... Anxiety.. Fears..feeling of not being worth it. Fear of failure... Just not knowing how to cope. It's a fight everyday to stay positive.... Keep myself from falling into darkness.. It's not about Robin Williams... It's about depression and how it's breaking me down. Judge me... Call me whatever name you want....but this shit is so real... You never know what may trigger it.. People say there's so much to be grateful for... That I shouldn't think like this cuz I have kids.. I just need help. 

Ode to Dr Maya Angelou

Think I discovered you in the third grade...
Captivated my mental as I read your powerful words on the page...
Until then I couldn't remember being in such awe...
Weaving through similes and metaphors.
Really could not grasp the enormity of what I just read.. but I wanted more
You painted such magnificent portraits with your words...
Made my imagination soar...
When I discovered you... I discovered Poetry..
I discovered an outlet to quiet the rumbling going on in my head... I found a way to get people to notice me...
That's just my story...
I recollect to a day and time...
When my beautiful black sisters were full of pride...
Headstrong and empowered reciting Still I Rise...
Women would regale themselves in the confidence of Phenomenal Woman....
The list would go on and on....
Then in 93 I heard your voice....
At President Clinton's inauguration...
Reciting On the Pulse of the Morning in front of the nation...many nations
So others could see your dedication
To inspiring minds..
It's of no suprise..
The many people you have inspired
To put pen to pad...
Write stories whether happy or sad...
You've touched many lives..
Especially mine.
That day I discovered you... I discovered POETRY
I thank you for so eloquently
putting your words on display
Touching hearts...minds..having people marvel at your genius..not just today
But everyday.
Rest in Heaven you Phenomenonal Woman